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Lockout — An interesting synopsis thrown out the airlock.

The film opens up with Guy Pearce getting clocked in the face.  Each time he’s hit, his head goes out of the frame and a credit appears where him and the fist that made contact once filled.  It piques the audience’s interest.  It’s creative, it gives off some badass action hero humor, with both the quirks of his character and the setup.  Then I see the words “Based on an idea by Luc Besson,” or something along those lines.  This is where I start getting skeptical.  I’ve never seen the words “based on an idea” in the credits before, both intro and closing.  Though, Luc Besson was behind The Fifth Element which is one of my favorite movies.  I had some hope.  Too bad that hope was lost in a screen of green.

Here, I’m going to start this review off with a poster of a good Luc Besson film.

I really don’t want to riff on this movie’s CGI because the use of it is expected; this is also not where I typically stab at first but if you’re making a sci-fi movie, where CGI will be used, at least make it decent.  It was not terrible but it looked very amateur for a film with a twenty-million dollar budget… and if that budget did not go to CGI then they must have flushed it down the toilet.  Good sci-fi movies with low budgets are possible, Moon is a great example of that.  Only one-million dollars and it was still able to both move its audiences and put them on the edge of their seats.  But this movie primarily falters on crappy writing, generally awkward moments, and jumbled directing.  Hilariously quotable lines (“You think you’re running the show!?  You’re not running the show!  I’m running the show!”), shooting a shotgun from behind the back/over the shoulder while running, and a ridiculous acid-laced flashback trying to remind the audience of everything that the film was, I suppose, trying to build up to but didn’t really manage to do.  Another writing issue was how they were trying to shove two plots… or subplots, I can’t really tell… into this movie and it just became an hour and fifty minutes of conflicted interests: two conspiracies on two different fronts.  Conspiracies are big.  You can’t make a conspiracy a subplot and you definitely can’t fit two of them in one main plot.  It just doesn’t work.  I know, what I’m saying is confusing but this is not even scratching the surface.  Lockout needs to be seen to fully grasp this level of ridiculousness.

CHALLENGE: When it gets to this part, try not to laugh.

I won’t lie, I was looking forward to Lockout and had high hopes.  I like Die Hard and Escape from New York and, as you already know from previous posts, modern science-fiction is my favorite genre.  Putting those in space sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it?  A real winner for success, especially with Luc Besson involved with the project.  Instead of the smooth, slick appeal of The Fifth Element, the result is an awkward and clunky mess that is both hilarious and upsetting.  The dialogue really is almost comparable to The Room when it comes to its quotability, as well as the numerous plot holes and their attempts on filling them.  It was like watching a five year old trying to fill a cracked sidewalk with poorly mixed cement.  Lockout is a serious mess.

The only interesting character in this whole film.  Like the movie, his potential was thrown out the airlock.

Throughout this film, I could not stop comparing this to the theatrical cut of Babylon AD.  The main differences between these two films is that Babylon at least had some salvageable footage and when you got down to it, its main issue was how it was edited.  Lockout?  There really is nothing that can be saved here.  I know I’m being a broken record but everything shot is so awkward and convoluted, as well as the general dialogue.  Maybe if there was another hour of footage things could be bandaged up but it’s almost hitting the two hour mark already.  If a film is messy within its first ten minutes, you’re on a ship ready to sink.

Exhibit A

Now, there are some things on the outside I also feel that need to touched on before I wrap up this review.  The first thing is the R rating.  There is no sex, there is very little blood… in fact, I don’t think there really was any blood at all.  There might have been some cussing?  I guess maybe they dropped “fuck” once or twice but that was about it.  And they probably did it just so they could get an R rating… which I don’t quite understand why they would want that.  Maybe the producer or the writers thought that no one would see it if it was rated PG-13?  I know I would have still bothered.  The second outer issue is the poster (Exhibit A, shown above).  If you look at it, it really has nothing to do with the movie.  You have Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace, a big gun, fiery sparks, and the title glazed in chrome.  It says nothing about it being “Die Hard in a space prison.”  Whatever.  I’m tired of talking but this heaping pile of poo.  I think I’ll go watch a good movie this weekend…

What would go great with this ?

Serve with…

Space ice cream.

Accommodating beverage…

You really shouldn’t drink.  This whole movie must be taken in sober.

Rating:

Critic Value: 0.33356214/10

No.   Seriously, just no.

Quality Value: 3/10

I guess the sets were good but they were pointless at the same time.  One thing sci-fi writers need to learn is that the setting must reflect the story, even if it’s just “Die Hard in space.”  A good way to go about this for Lockout would maybe make the space prison a “top secret” giant weapon that could annihilate earth, like what the Death Star did to Alderaan.  That’s another thing Lockout appeared to be clueless on.  There was no big confrontation, nor was there any sort of big threat.  [SPOILER-Highlight to see.]The “conspiracy” and “secret” the whole time could have been the space station was actually a deadly secret weapon disguised as a cyro-prison and Snow’s lawyer could have been in on it the whole time, conspiring against Snow to make it seem like he was the prisoner leader and he was the one that “pushed the button” to destroy earth, or something along those lines.  Not that the secret the whole time was that the lawyer sold secrets.[/SPOILER] Settings aren’t just overlays, they are tools to create the story and must be treated as such.  Anyway, back on the subject of quality: the CGI bits looked like FMV sequences from an old Playstation J-RPG game.  Plot, writing, directing, and everything else?  You already know the answer to that.

Entertainment Value: 3/10 for a movie.  9/10 for a b-movie.

If you don’t take it seriously, this is a crap classic.  Your gut will hurt from laughing by the end of Lockout.

The Room: What a Storified Tweetalong

    1. The Room.  It’s sinister.  It’s horrendous.  It’s hilarious.  It may just be one of the greatest worst movies ever made and may be the greatest thing to ever come out of San Francisco.  This post is not just any post… it is a shrine to Tommy Wiseau and his perfectly terrible genius.  I have decided that this movie is something that can’t be reviewed.  If anything, The Room has been over reviewed and it speaks for itself in the end.  It’s awkward shots, writing, directing, acting… just everything.  This film must be seen to believed.

      I now present to you…

      The Room: What a Storified Tweetalong
      “Haha.  What a storify, Alex.” ~Tommy Wiseau
      Screenshots of the carnage…
    2. Share

      “Hai doggie…” #theroom #tweetalong http://pic.twitter.com/DMrcA9kg
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:14:42
    3. Doggie, strong and silent type.  It’s weird, minor things like this that make The Room what it is.  What is exactly was going on in Mr. Wiseau’s head when he decided to put this bit in?  Was it just to show he was getting flower’s for Lisa?  To show he’s a nice guy because he pets the cute pug at the flower shop?
    4. Share

      My Pokemon Snap skills in action. #TheRoom #tweetalong http://pic.twitter.com/tWrgjaDI
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:25:46
    5. This shot pretty much sums up the movie.
    6. Share

      Why you don’t play football in tuxedos. #theroom #tweetalong http://pic.twitter.com/MgNn62Pm
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:56:11
    7. I didn’t notice this till now but this is a very… homoerotic shot.  Obviously it’s not intentional but once again, it’s awkward moments like these that make The Room such a classic.
    8. Share

      “Got it!” -Epic Chewing Guy #theroom #tweetalong http://pic.twitter.com/nvxymzfT
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:59:43
    9. Epic Chewing Guy, unsung hero of The Room.  More proof that this film has some of the worst camera work ever done.
    10. Share

      I have never noticed this till now but there’s a random guy standing in the background. #theroom #tweetalong http://pic.twitter.com/UJ4Dqpuo
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 23:04:38
    11. More awkward, unintentional homoeroticism.  Plus, a random guy loitering in the background.  I’ve seen this hilarious trainwreck so many times and did not notice him till now.
    12. Share

      No TV is safe with Johnny! #tweetalong #theroom http://pic.twitter.com/t8NYCunN
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 23:28:12
    13. How your screen feels after The Room.
    14. How do others feel about this American classic?
    15. Share
      Must get the soundtrack to #TheRoom the ladies will love it! #sinewyskin
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 17:35:31
    16. Share
      I am 25 minutes into The Room. I can’t..I can’t even…this is so…#theroom
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 00:47:39
    17. Share
      WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE. #theroom
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 00:54:15
    18. Share
      RT @kendonak: Just had the greatest cinema experience of my life #theroom
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 21:28:50
    19. Share
      After watching 4min of Tommy Wiseau’s #TheRoom my mind literally exploded intro 100 places. #worstmovieofalltime damn it all to hell 😦
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 23:30:57
    20. Share
      #TheRoom is like really bad porno. It’s too early for this.. Thank god it’s the last week of classes
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 10:29:07
    21. My favorite quotes…
    22. Share
      “I miss you.” “I just saw you, what are you talking about…?” #theroom #tweetalong
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:31:14
    23. Share
      “I did not hit her, it’s bullshit I did not hit her. I DID NAUGHT!! Oh hai, Mark.” -Johnny #theroom #tweetalong
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 22:32:31
    24. Share
      “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!” -Mark #theroom #tweetalong
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 23:15:28
    25. Share
      “Everyone betrayed me! I’m fed up with this world!” Greatest party fight scene ever. #theroom #tweetalong
      Mon, Apr 16 2012 23:22:54
    26. Best remix…

      Favorite mash-ups…



What would go great with this ?

Serve with…
Johnny Pizza
  • Half Canadian bacon, with pineapple.
  • Half artichoke with pesto.
  • Light on the cheese.

Accommodating beverage…

Scotchka

  • Half scotch
  • Half vodka